Sometimes it’s the small things that make you laugh hardest and loudest and…let’s be honest here, they get you through the day with your sanity intact.
I was going to blog about friends and how lucky I am to have a few who are dragging me screaming and whimpering through learning how to socialize like a relatively well adjusted human being .
It’s really going well.
And I will blog on this, just not today.
I’m recovering from Zumba and pouting because it kicked my butt. This does not bode well for my starting BeachBody vids tomorrow or my developing a beach body anytime in the near future.
So instead let’s focus on some of the funnier comedy gems that have happened lately because it requires much less thinking and muscle strain on my part.
Watching a coworker lace up his work boots during his morning ritual and-accidentally tie his leg hairs in with them.
He didn’t scream, but that didn’t matter. A screwed up facial grimace is a belly laugh that keeps on giving the whole day through. Especially whenever eye contact is made. But that does make for some funny looks thrown my way. Eh…totally worth it.
Watching a big F-350 ease up behind me at the stop sign and parallel to some ‘I’m so cool with my baggy pants’ teenagers swaggering and slouching their way down the sidewalk.
And then the horn was punched. Except this was a special horn. A train horn, to be specific. Seeing the same kids fall over each other, scrambling to get away, with no signs of coolness whatsoever, made me forget about almost wetting my own pants.
Because all is forgiven in the face of true awesomeness.
This morning at 5 am when I stumble into the car and then turn it on. I was puzzled when I heard the voice. I was awake enough to know it wasn’t my alarm or the radio and that it was emanating from the back seat.
Turning around put me eye ball to eyeball with Hoggle, the wart nosed goblin from Labyrinth, on the screen of Duck’s DVD player. He was whining about not wanting to go into the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Too late pal, you’re already there. 5 am is not the time to scare me as you’ve likely surmised. Better luck next time.
Thanks a ton Duck. Now I have hair standing on end to explain to my boss. Good news though. I won’t need the coffee I spilled down my shirt.
Like I said last Saturday, not everything sucks when I’m not medicating my ADHD. This is the second part, but you can find the first part here.
There are several pros that, on the right day and viewed under optimal conditions, actually beat out some of the cons.
What? What? What? What?! I’m trying to do something here. Whadda ya mean we’re under a tornado warning and the ratty little ankle biter next door is doing cartwheels across the yard? The sky is blue-oh… right. My mistake. Go get in our safe place, I’ll get the flashlights in like 2 seconds…what? What? What? Ooops. Did it again, didn’t I?
On meds, my hyper focus is solid and almost impossible to break. I can hyper focus through events that most people wouldn’t recover without a lifetime of tics and twitches and all I did was snarl at the intruder who broke my train of thought.
Hey Duck. Oh, geez. You’re right. Looking nasty out there. Let’s get moving. No worries, babe. Next time we’ll have a camera on the little piece of-heh-never mind. Not important. It’s going to be okay.
It’s very easy to break away and without the internal guilt and drama over losing track of time and being snarky over getting interrupted.
Patience– full count. Social outings– work in progress. Relationships-nah…
Oohh I’m stuck again. The images I see in my head and the ideas I have are being held hostage in my head. Dammit, its 3 am and I can’t sleep until this is out of my head. aarghh! Where’s the plunger?
It’s as if my brain and hands are under contract negotiations and it isn’t going well. Maybe there was a grievance, who knows?
Hmmm….yes, so if my villain were also sort of likeable and had surprising human characteristics that would explain his fall from grace and his cynical views without overdoing it. Perfect!
Duck hates my creativity right now because it’s been wreaking havoc on his social life when he tests his limits. But it sure has helped tone down the ‘I’m a man now (I have acme-look-see the red spots?) and I do as I please’ issues.
It’s very simple. I have none.
Some of you have had the pleasure of dealing with OnStar’s virtual advisor and know that female robotic voice. (If not, be sure to experience it soon, you shouldn’t miss out on this) Yeah, that would be me. Without asking you if the city and state you verbalized was correct.
I am a walking, talking individual with little to no real interaction outside of discussing the task at hand. No sense of humor or ability to have a modicum of patience or flexibility until my 8 hours of med enforced brain lockdown is up.
Yep, the flood gates have opened and I’m overflowing with my own special brand of personality and eager to inflict it upon unsuspecting individuals. Not a day goes by at my job that I’m not laughing out loud, throwing myself (sometimes bodily) into my work and enjoying every minute of it.
When I’m not on meds, I can remember to stop long enough to look around me as my blinders aren’t on. I can see and appreciate the rainbow I saw last week. The one without any rain preceding it. I can take time to play the floor is lava with Duck and crack up over my lack of coordination without much embarrassment.
It comes down to the fact that I can stop long enough and focus on what things make me happy and not just on getting from A to B with grim determination. Whether those things are supposed to be fun things or not. I have a deadline and I’m on a mission to meet it.
It’s a tough decision I’m going to have to make very soon. I received my benefits package yesterday and am even now weighing the pros against the cons.
Do try to remember these are my personal experiences and are to be taken as such. For further info on Adult ADD/ADHD, go to any of the ADHD links found on my Resources Page.
Memories or pieces of them, are common with head injuries and traumatic events. In my case, I was walloped with both. But I’m doing something about that today. This is remembrance and making peace with the past that has haunted me so. This is a celebration of life and the end of a journey.
I’m taking one last ride. This is the one that counts the most. It’s time to purge a ghost I’ve carried since I was 14 years old. I’m alone and though not in the vehicle of my choice, it will do for what I have in mind.
It’s a sunny 75 degrees, not a cloud in the sky but a slight breeze is stirring the falling leaves around the still green yards. A picture perfect October day and almost exactly like the one so many years ago when everything changed.
This road is known well to me, though I haven’t driven down it in ages because it was too painful and because I was afraid of waking what barely left me alone as it was. Still tucked back in a quiet neighborhood and I can see that not much has changed since I’ve been here last.
No one is out to have to watch for and no one to stop me.
I stop at the stop sign, the one I can just barely remember from that day, before the memory blanks take over and everything is a grey fog, illuminated only by small flashes. Sounds, voices, feelings, that’s all I’m left with. Until I dream and remember it all.
It’s now or never.
Taking a deep breath, I let the clutch out and burn through first gear, just like I’ve burned through all the awkward social situations I’ve experienced. Hard and fast.
With the shift to second gear, the pain of those memories are gone. At least momentarily.
A couple flicks of the wrist and 2 stomps of a foot and the regret over things I should have said, actions I’d wished I’d taken, disappear, are left behind with third and forth gear. Going faster now, the white broken line begins to blur past the windows, much like all my relationships gone sour. There and gone.
50 miles an hour
I can do this, I have to do this.
55 miles per hour
The curve looms ahead, the one so deceptive in appearance that it’s fooled far more experienced drivers than that of an energetic 16 year old boy on a sunny day, out to enjoy the weather and the company of two teenage girls. Oh so full of life he was. He shone with it.
Right in the middle of that curve, I bank hard to the left, and I lock the brakes up. When the traction assist kicks in, the sound it makes, oh God, the sound it makes,the way it feels inside the car; it makes fragments of memories burst forth in waves.
And when I come to a shuddering stop, it’s to look at a paved driveway and a jutting bay window, one neatly manicured yard over. I can hear the sounds, can feel the jolts, see the sparks thrown from a roll bar dragging against pavement, can smell the stench of burning tires.
I can remember being glad that the horrible twisting and turning and metal grinding was over and feeling the warmth of the sun hit my face. I remember thinking that I could die now and it was with the greatest relief I’ve ever felt in my life.
I remember feeling like I was flying before the nothingness swallowed me up and I was still grateful. Because this terrible thing that had happened and I wasn’t sure what that terrible thing was, just that something truly awful had occurred, was done. I could rest and I could be at peace.
This is what I’ve run from since the day it happened and what has remained by my side despite all my efforts to block it all out, to forget, to survive. It was there through nursing school, the birth of my child, all the failures and the wins.
And it’s time to let go. This is something I have to do in order to move on with my life. Please understand.
I’m sorry that your life was taken, sorry that we had to learn about mortality at such a young age, I was only 14 and it scares me to think Duck is getting closer to this every year. But mostly, I’m so so sorry that I survived and you didn’t.
Until recently, I was convinced that the wrong person had been taken, that a mistake had been made, for surely there was no grand purpose for my life, not one that had been revealed to me anyway.
That purpose has yet to show itself to me but in spite of that snafu (remember you did tell me that I was God’s very own comedian…) it’s time for me to let you go, for you to rest in peace within my memories. Because in them you never have.
See, this is the first year since my world was blown apart that I haven’t wakened screaming from dreams I can’t recall except knowing that it was of this event. And of you whispering to me when I cried out that ‘every man walks alone,’ that, “No man walks alone.”
This is how I know I’m ready. I’m looking at the place where I hadn’t dared come back to and I’m not flinching any longer.
Be at peace my friend. Because I am. At last. I’ll never forget you, but I’ll only remember the good times we shared and not this.
This year, my contribution is going to be radically different. I’m breaking away from my normal humor and gunning for brutally honest.
For reasons of my own, I’ve been un-medicated for over a year. Having the opportunity to see both sides of my ADHD, the differences are well…different. And challenging.
While this may not help or reach a single person and I’m not quite sure how well it’ll translate, I’m still doing this.
Because I’m CeeLee and because I can.
This is my face and my ADHD.
My ADHD: the not so fun, but still kind of funny
I. need. to. get. to. blah, blah… Louieville, Ky.
OnStar: “I think you said Louisville, Ky. Is that correct?”
Calm, clear, concise without a hint of twang to hinder the process.
Aahhneedtogettooo blah, blah Lullvulle, Ky.
OnStar: ” I think you said Lewiston, Maine. Is that correct?”
My speech pattern goes to high-speed mode (unlike my WiFi) and even live people have to tell me to slow down so that they can understand. It can be very frustrating for everyone involved.
Okay, Duck. Homework first, I’ll get you a snack to have while doing it, and then you have to, yes, have to-get a shower before bed. What did you just say? I’m your Mom, young man. There is no such word as ‘no’ when talking to me, and you best remember that.
Prioritized if not completely organized.
Oh schizznit, Duck, you have to get a shower, do homework, I really should feed you and have cuddle time and get you to bed..oh crap, is that my cell? Hold those thoughts because I’ll forget. How am I going to get all this done? Where is my cell? Why are you watching TV? Where is my cell? Are you hiding my cell?? C’mere, you brat and quit laughing at me, it isn’t funny.
Because everything is the same priority. Urgent, ASAP, and PDQ. And exhausting.
Oh look, today is my weirdo sister’s birthday. So glad I remembered to set the reminder for myself. Even if she does like running in the rain, I can tell her happy birthday on Facebook and she won’t know I’m still giggling over taunting her about it last Tuesday.
I can remember to set the reminder alert to help me if I get busy at work or caught in traffic and still maintain good family relations. Always recommended.
Seriously?! I had my keys just a second ago, I’m going to be late for work! I’ve checked the dryer and the fridge, the counter and microwave, just where the hell are they-oh. heh, they were in my hand the whole time. That’s just perfect. Wait. Is today the 3rd? Ohhh nooo, I missed wishing my sister a happy birthday and she’s gonna be so mad and now I’m late for work. And-and-and-ugh! Why can’t I keep things straight???
I’ve forgotten to remind myself to set the reminder alerts and worse, I’m so distracted that I can’t see the keys for the forest of panic and confusion in front of me. And I feel awful because of all of the above, for the rest of the day.
But not everything about my being un-medicated is this bad. There are plenty of advantages too. We’ll look at those next Saturday.
Please remember these are my personal experiences and are to be taken as such. For further info on Adult ADD/ADHD, go to any of the ADHD links found on my Resources Page.