Duck, The Redneck, and I went to Holiday World as a end of summer daycation. It was their idea, I didn’t really want to go. I cited my reasons, (excuses) the heat index, blah blah, but the real reason was that I had myself a whoppin’ case of middle-aged bathing suit anxiety. Duck and The Redneck were unsympathetic. Of course.
So this is…
What I learned about my bathing suit fears at the water park
Guess what? Not one single person I saw there was a perfect 10. Of course it could be that it was the Victoria Secret models day off or something, or I wasn’t looking in the right direction at the right time for the shy and elusive tenners, who knows.
1. Everywhere I looked, body flaws were on flagrant display and Nobody. Cared.
I saw several third nipples, always a wonderful if slightly dangerous, wish-we-all-were-so-lucky perennial conversation starter, tons of I-know-there-must-be-a-story-behind-this tattoos in interesting and unexpected locations, and plenty of successful (and unsuccessful) dislodging the suit buttcrack ballet maneuvers going on. Hell yeah.
2. To my amazed delight, I most certainly wasn’t the only one with eye wateringly bright white summer denied skin. Far from it.
3. Not a single one of my fears came true. Nowhere was anyone was having a surprise swim suit inspection, everyone came sunglasses prepared, so there were no acrimonious accusations of spontaneous blindness or threats of seeking the advice of an attorney and best of all, being a 10 to gain admittance was not a requirement.
No one’s looking at you when there are friends doing the less than graceful, drowned rat water slide dismount off The Mammoth to howl insults at, a wave pool to dunk your kids in, either for general purposes or perhaps in payback over the regrettable and hopefully soon to be forgotten roller coaster incident.
And the convenient option of having giant Tiki buckets nearby that dump a gazillion gallons of water from high above, to stand them under, you know…if the wave pool isn’t enough closure. Not that I’m saying I did that or anything.
Yeah with all that going on, well, you’re just part of the crowd getting sunburnt to an extra-crispy cinder in the background. For a people watching introvert with bathing suit anxieties, that ain’t half bad.