This Just In At All News About NO News…
We’re going to join our on-location reporter where she’s live at the scene of the occurrence, momentarily. Late last week, an innocent woman was yet another victim of what has been a disturbing trend in the past, but one recently on the rise. The trend?
The Garden Attack.
Targeting the a wide array of victims, it appears to prey upon the wary and unwary alike. Scientists are puzzled over what appears to be a completely random pattern, and urge gardeners to take precautions, such as pants that fit.
Let’s go live. Nadia, are you with us?”
“Yes, Bob, I’m here and standing with me is the latest victim, Cee…um…Lee. Yeah…Ma’am? Can you tell us what happened?”
“What?! I’m terribly sorry, you’re going to need to speak up, I’m deaf from having to blast my mp3 player in order to drown out the neighbors dog to keep my sanity. Now, what did you say?”
“Can you tell the viewers at home what happened?”
“Well I don’t know what you’re saying but I can tell you what happened.”
“That would be great.”
“What?! Never mind. I was minding my own business, just listening to my music and doing a bit of weeding in my garden when it just jumped on me from out of nowhere.”
“What jumped on you?”
“What?! Dammit speak up! I can’t hear-”
“WHAT JUMPED ON YOU?”
“Oh! Why didn’t you ask me before? Now I look like an idiot, thanks a ton. The poison ivy jumped on me, you silly woman. If it snarled or made any noises, I didn’t hear it, but I sure saw it, with it’s red eyes and mouth full of it’s…itchy stuff. It scared me bad, but I couldn’t run. It wrapped around my legs and I fell face first into the dirt.”
“What, ahem. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!”
“Geesh lady, are you deaf too? I can hear fine, you needn’t holler me down like that. The poison ivy jumped down the back of my pants, that’s what happened.”
” Is that why you’re dancing like that? ”
“ I know you’re a hotshot reporter and all, but wouldn’t you dance around if you got attacked by a poison ivy monster that went down the back of your pants and in your butt crack that’s already had a run in with a spider on a highway, but now has a rip roaring case of poison ivy?!
I take hourly baths in Calamine, have to be hogtied to my bed so I don’t scratch in my sleep and have the indignity of having everything and I do mean everything swell shut. Now I ask you. Wouldn’t you dance-oh hey, lookit that butterfly!”
(sigh) “ADHD too? Great…Back to you Bob.”
Okay, so maybe it sounded better in my head…
I’ve never been allergic to poison ivy in my entire life. I have even gone so far as to roll around on it just so I might strike swiftly and without warning, on the unwary and allergic, I’m just that mean. But it’s not funny when the joke’s on me. Or rather, plastered across one the worst areas possible to get such a joke.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a Calamine dunking waiting on me.
And a garden to annihilate.